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[He's been mulling this over since he met Hannibal, really.]

What was the first turning point in your life? Do you even remember who your real heroes were, when you were a kid? Or maybe some people do actually idolize their parents. For me, the only idols are the ones who can't become real, but it's been pointed out to me before that it's possible to worship someone in spite of their faults.

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All right. First tell me what happened, in detail. what did she do? what episode is he wanting you to erase?

I suspect he means the entire relationship. There were places in it where she didn't abuse the power she had over him, but there were many more where she did.

...she did love him. Still does. That's the sickest part of it, in some ways. I don't offer it as ...I know it excuses nothing. Makes it worse, if anything.

She would play with him. She'd make him forget things; she told herself it was to make it easier, to give him a space free from his past. I can remember the self-justification. It's nauseating, in hindsight, but she made herself believe it. That he could be all right if only he would let her do his thinking and deciding for him.

Actually, there was no let, no consent asked or given. She just reached in and ordered things how she saw fit and left him with the pieces.

Piper, this can't be fixed, this can't be undone. I told him I'd wipe the memory if he asks it of me; but I can't make myself believe piling abuse on top of abuse is ever going to make anything better. I just can't.

I don't know what to do.

Edited 2014-03-10 15:27 (UTC)

What do you think will happen if you go ahead and do what he's asking?

[The Boy is glad now, too, that it's text. He has theories, his mind is churning, but there are a few little key pieces he still needs before he can offer them.]

He'll have a piece of himself missing. He's already in too many broken pieces, damn it. I've got memory gaps and it doesn't... It won't stop him knowing something's there. Your mind sticks on it like a tongue on a broken tooth. And then some other barge thing will hurt him or shove him off his balance - and you know his balance isn't great already - and it'll come bursting back out, because that can happen and this is the barge, which means it will.

Temporary relief at best, is the short answer. But I can't deny him that when I can't offer any better solutions. Can I?

I don't believe in temporary relief. All it does is stop your mind from learning to adapt. I don't want you to do it because it's like telling someone who's burning alive to just pop a pill and stay in the fire.

If you don't want me to tell him that we talked about this, try to tell him to talk to me himself. Either way I'm going to have to talk to him about this.

I know. I know.

But I lit that fire and I'm the one who shoved him into it. I don't want to do it either. But I won't refuse a direct request, because I've taken too many choices away from him already.

...I trust your judgement. Tell him whatever you think you need to tell him. If he hates me for telling you, well, he hated me already, I'll deal. Just help me not damage him any more. Please.

Make sure he talks to me before you do anything to him. I won't remove his choices from him, even this one, but I want to try and get him through the fear before he makes any decision.

[Iris appends a transcript of this conversation.]

that's what's been said so far. so no one's doing anything yet. I will.

thank you. so much, sweetheart.

Get back to me soon as you can. And just remember that guilt is usually a poor compass.

it's no compass at all. it's a fucking anchor. but I'm breathing easier now I've told you.

It's good to hear that. (Read that?)

Try to keep me in the loop.

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