[video]

Mar. 2nd, 2014 06:53 pm
velocette: (9)
[personal profile] velocette
[He's been mulling this over since he met Hannibal, really.]

What was the first turning point in your life? Do you even remember who your real heroes were, when you were a kid? Or maybe some people do actually idolize their parents. For me, the only idols are the ones who can't become real, but it's been pointed out to me before that it's possible to worship someone in spite of their faults.

text//private

Date: 2014-03-10 02:49 pm (UTC)
routemistress: (Default)
From: [personal profile] routemistress
no. no. hell, no. I did. The person I was in that flood, I mean.

Which I won't claim wasn't me. She is. And I could claim she meant no real harm, but that's disingenuous as fuck and not relevant. She harmed him a great deal, and she did it from inside his head, while calling it love.

He's falling apart and it's my fault. The other day he suggested I edit his memories. Just...take the whole episode away like it never happened.

text//private

Date: 2014-03-10 03:26 pm (UTC)
routemistress: (Default)
From: [personal profile] routemistress
I suspect he means the entire relationship. There were places in it where she didn't abuse the power she had over him, but there were many more where she did.

...she did love him. Still does. That's the sickest part of it, in some ways. I don't offer it as ...I know it excuses nothing. Makes it worse, if anything.

She would play with him. She'd make him forget things; she told herself it was to make it easier, to give him a space free from his past. I can remember the self-justification. It's nauseating, in hindsight, but she made herself believe it. That he could be all right if only he would let her do his thinking and deciding for him.

Actually, there was no let, no consent asked or given. She just reached in and ordered things how she saw fit and left him with the pieces.

Piper, this can't be fixed, this can't be undone. I told him I'd wipe the memory if he asks it of me; but I can't make myself believe piling abuse on top of abuse is ever going to make anything better. I just can't.

I don't know what to do.
Edited Date: 2014-03-10 03:27 pm (UTC)

text//private

Date: 2014-03-10 03:39 pm (UTC)
routemistress: (monochrome)
From: [personal profile] routemistress
He'll have a piece of himself missing. He's already in too many broken pieces, damn it. I've got memory gaps and it doesn't... It won't stop him knowing something's there. Your mind sticks on it like a tongue on a broken tooth. And then some other barge thing will hurt him or shove him off his balance - and you know his balance isn't great already - and it'll come bursting back out, because that can happen and this is the barge, which means it will.

Temporary relief at best, is the short answer. But I can't deny him that when I can't offer any better solutions. Can I?

text//private

Date: 2014-03-10 03:50 pm (UTC)
routemistress: (profile 2)
From: [personal profile] routemistress
I know. I know.

But I lit that fire and I'm the one who shoved him into it. I don't want to do it either. But I won't refuse a direct request, because I've taken too many choices away from him already.

...I trust your judgement. Tell him whatever you think you need to tell him. If he hates me for telling you, well, he hated me already, I'll deal. Just help me not damage him any more. Please.

text//private

Date: 2014-03-10 04:11 pm (UTC)
routemistress: (Default)
From: [personal profile] routemistress
[Iris appends a transcript of this conversation.]

that's what's been said so far. so no one's doing anything yet. I will.

thank you. so much, sweetheart.

text//private

Date: 2014-03-11 01:57 am (UTC)
routemistress: (profile 2)
From: [personal profile] routemistress
it's no compass at all. it's a fucking anchor. but I'm breathing easier now I've told you.

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